First of all, I’m sorry if you’re reading this and you feel like this blog post is somehow very emotional. I am… trying to vent out my emotional state, and this post is just something I’ve been wanting to write on for… weeks.
Well, to start off… last month was not a good one for me. To sum up, my emotional state kind of broke down last month. I didn’t know what caused it. I just felt… very empty, which resulted in my poor performance in MOSTLY everything. I tried so hard to finish my school works and to juggle between friends and my private life. But still, I felt very empty. As if there was something I should do right away, but there’s something that’s been pulling me back because I’m missing one very important part. Don’t ask me what that part is, because I don’t really know it. What I know is that I’m not going to be able to function well, and everything I do will just turn to this one, giant fucked up machine. I just have to get one unknown important part, then I can be myself again.
I don’t know…
I mean… I got angry all the time. I got angry to people, I got angry to myself. I am so pissed why I could not function. Last month I was only counting down the days, secretly hoping that this phase would end.
I hate uncertainties…
I hate feeling stupid… I hate being stupid…
Well… June came, and I secretly hoping that this would be a good one for me. I know, I am not the person who likes making wishes by the beginning of a month… but I thought that this could be “my” month, because my birthday falls sometime between the 1st and 30th of June, and that it’s the beginning of summer, and I believe that summer means everything good will fall into place, and I’m hoping that goodness will fall to myself too, because I’m a good person (well, I consider myself to be one)…
But it’s already the 2nd day of June, and things even got worse.
You know what? I really hate being stupid. I have told you that earlier. I’m just gonna say it over and over again… I hate to be a stupid person. That’s why I always use my brain, because I know if I use my brain, chances are I’m not going to be any less smarter. I live with my brain, and so far I’m pretty happy for it…
But when I decide to let my heart takes things to matter, I should have warned myself that I was going to be very stupid.
For the past two days, I have become the stupidest person alive. I say things I was supposed to keep inside my heart, I become super honest, I say… everything. To a significant other. And now I can’t help but to feel super stupid for being so honest to someone else.
At first I felt this adrenaline rush inside me, this weird excitement and over-confidence.. and slowly it deteriorated to a feeling of stupidity. I began blaming myself on being super honest. I know, I’ve been looking up to Augustus Waters for the past few months, but now I just realized that being brutally honest can actually hurt.
I don’t know how long I will last, dwelling inside this pool of stupidity. I just hope it won’t last any longer.
You, if you’re reading this (I bet you won’t, so I am brave enough to write this, hahaha),
I know that you have a whole set of life goals planned in front of you, and that you’re slowly making your way to those goals. I know that you want so many things in your life, considering that you are a perfectionist, and as a perfectionist myself, I know how it feels to have a lot of “wants” in your life. However, at the same time, you still want to have fun and embrace every chance the world give you.
This is an irony, because I’m doing the same thing too. I’ve been wondering… it’s like… you’re walking on a walled narrow path. The one that only you and your dog can walk through. There is no other space for someone else to walk the path with you.
I know… it’s really hard to squeeze someone else in your life path. You are the Grand Architect of your life, and you make a very narrow path for you to walk on, with no branches at all… as if you’re really sure that you and you alone are going to be the only person who will walk on that path. I don’t blame you at all. I am also walking on a life path that’s only fit for one person only, and that’s only me. I’m feeling superior, and I’m very confident that I’m able to reach my life goal all by myself.
However, at some point… you really need to broaden your life path, or if you can’t… try to squeeze someone else to walk your life path with. If there’s one thing I learn in this life, is that humans are social beings. We cannot reach something only by ourselves, we need other hands to help us. Well… if you ask me, I’m going to answer that I’m under the phase of “assuring-myself-whether-or-not-I-will-grab-a-shovel-to-do-a-road-extension” in my life path.
Bottom line is, I would love to grab a shovel and make a little more room in my life path for someone else who would love to walk it through with me. I hope… someday, somehow, you’ll brave enough to make a little space for someone else to be your life path walking partner. Just for one more person, it won’t hurt a bit, I can guarantee you my life on that.
Just for one more person…