Online Dating, is it bad?


So, consider this as a part two of my last post where I talked a lot about the letter from the 2014 Crystal to 2015 Crystal. It was a post in Bahasa Indonesia, but if you’d like to read it, you can access it through this link.

In the letter, the old Crystal gave wise words about relationship with fellow humans. Old Crystal said that I should not lower my standard on everything, including men. I was being so idealist by thinking that my ideal men would be the one who could talk, laugh, cry, and cringe together with me. Little did I know that relationships need shit ton of efforts, and to let people show their true colors to you is a hard thing to do. And people who laugh, cry, and cringe together with you sometimes are not the people with the same agenda in mind as yours.

I admit that by two years, I have changed, mostly in everything. My priorities, my preferences, my stances on several issues… they have changed. So does my views on relationships. I must say that I am not as idealistic as I was two years ago. Nowadays, I try to meet more people, the ones that don’t come from my social circle, through online dating. Bold move for me, since I have never done such thing.

One of my best friends in Indonesia showed her concern about me going out on online dates. She said that she felt like I was meeting up with people who did not deserve my time and that they had a huge effect on my self-esteem. I didn’t really want to argue with her because I’m not the kind of person who likes confrontation, but when she expressed her concerns to me, I kinda felt a bit… upset? I just felt upset because I felt like I was being judged for going to online dating and that I was just saying yes to every guy that wished to meet me for dates. After she voiced her concern, shit ton of “maybes” happening in my head, comparing the dating culture from where I was raised to where I am living right now. Including the thought that maybe she didn’t believe in my ability on staying true to myself in the world of online dating.

mobile-dating-infographic1

I think that’s normal for me, but apparently, some of my best friends don’t share the same page as I do. Maybe because in Indonesia, the culture of meeting with strangers through online dating app is considered dangerous, no matter how long you’ve talked with them online or no matter how many mutual interests you have with them. Maybe, in Indonesia, online dating is seen as a way for people to go to the easy way of dating, or people instantly think that when you’re on an online dating app, it means you’re in it for a boyfriend or a girlfriend.

Meanwhile, it’s a totally different thing here. Yes, the core value of online dating is to establish a relationship, but it is not THE direct way of a relationship. You can join online dating to seek for companionship or like-minded people, or the worst, one-night stands and friends with benefits (I don’t play this card, though). And there are a lot of good people in the online dating world as well as good people you see on the street. It’s not like all online dating users are people desperate for love or sex, there are also a group of people who likes to search for mutual interests before choosing to see more of each other or just leave it at that. That’s the reasons why I use online dating, apart from the reason that I feel the need to brush up my conversational skill on meeting with strangers because I am an introvert and I *do* need the challenge to put myself out there in the real world. I am already content by myself and I don’t need a man to tell me I’m beautiful, interesting, smart, or attractive because I already know I am comprised of those adjectives. Well, if they finally complimented me, let’s just consider it as a plus point.

Moral of the story: There are a lot of good people who decide to go to online dating apps, and it’s not a bad thing to have a profile in one or some of them. Don’t make us feel bad for signing up for a service, we do have a lot of reasons to make one.

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15 tanggapan untuk “Online Dating, is it bad?

  1. I recently read a book called Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari (the book combines romance, humour and psychology – I really enjoyed it!) Maybe you already know it? I found it interesting how he talks about the way we find love in this era of technology. I think online dating is not bad at all, it is just one way of meeting other ppl, and please this is 2016 after all. Maybe in Indonesia online dating is still kind of new and people are still getting used to the idea, but I really think it’s quite a good thing. I’m not saying it works out all the time, but it’s worth a shot.

    Disukai oleh 1 orang

  2. Kalau di Indonesia, mikirnya mungkin takut diculik kali kalau ketemu orang nggak dikenal, atau lewat internet.

    Well, gue nggak pernah coba dating apps karena mereka baru mulai booming setelah gue ketemu Bartosz, tapi gue denger2 ada lah yang ketemu misalnya lewat Tinder, dan akhirnya pacaran sekarang. Tapi tentu aja, disini juga ada yang berpendapat negatif tentang app itu. Well, to each their own. It’s your life, don’t mind other people’s opinion 🙂

    Disukai oleh 1 orang

    1. Akhirnya gue mau menerapkan “ignorance is bliss” aja deh Steph, hahaha. Iya ada temen gue yang kayak gitu juga. Tuh kan, bukti ga semua orang yang ikutan online dating tuh orang ga bener. Kitanya aja yang harus jago pilih pilih dan intuisi juga harus kuat.

      Suka

  3. Kalau menurut aku si ga salah ya mencoba dating dalam berbagai cara (yang positif), setidaknya kemungkinan sudah 50 : 50 daripada tidak mencoba sama sekali. Tapi begitulah di Indonesia, stigma soal online dating memang masih kurang bisa diterima dengan baik. That’s your life Tal, don’t let others ruin it *sok bijak* 😀
    Ada keluarga dan teman yang berhubungan lewat online tapi berhasil juga ke jenjang pernikahan dan masih bertahan dengan baik. Sangat baik malah. Good luck!!

    Disukai oleh 1 orang

    1. Macam macam alasannya. Kalo saya sih, cenderung sebagai outlet ketemu orang orang baru juga, yang ngga ada hubungannya sama kelompok pertemanan saya. Kadang bosan juga kalau ketemu orang yang ternyata kenal juga sama teman saya. Selain itu, latihan mengurangi rasa cemas kalau ketemu orang baru, karena saya kadang suka agak grogi kalau kenalan sama orang.

      Suka

      1. oh begitu, tp mmg spesifik nanti bertujuan relationship …beda ya, kalau jaman dulu nyari teman baru di luar circle caranya srg bergabung dg grup hobi, mmg tujuan jadi blunder tapi pilihan orgnya jadi banyak…:)) ya, semoga dpt yg terbaik deh.

        Suka

  4. I love strangers. I think strangers are good people that we just haven’t got the time to know each other. But of course, you need to equip yourself with some security tools, always exercise cautious. This applies to everyone you meet, not only strangers.
    I think online dating is just another channel for people to meet, and not everyone has to follow the same old routines to socialize. Face it, we are living in the digital era, thus I will let technology support me.
    I might have the lower standard according to your best friend, but I stand up for my rights to have fun, have a connection with people and enjoy my life. I currently don’t have an online dating profile, but you can easily find me talk to random people at the bar 😉

    Disukai oleh 1 orang

    1. Nah iya aku juga mbak! There are so much more to a person than just his or her profile on online dating sites, kan? Ga tau kenapa sahabat sahabat aku ini super cautious kalo ketauan aku pergi kopdar, padahal aku ga akan ketemu orangnya kalau ngobrolnya gak nyambung dan kalau dari awal ngobrol gak ada kesamaan… bersyukur sih punya temen temen yang nge jagain dari jauh kayak gitu, tapi malah jadi agak beban akan di-judge kalau cerita ke mereka soal ketemuan sama online date di weekend sebelumnya.

      Suka

  5. Aku ketemu ScandiGuy lewat Tinder. Awalnya cuman iseng aja padahal. Setuju sama Stephanie – it’s your life, yg jalanin kamu, ga usah perhatiin omongan orang lain.

    Lagian disini pake Tinder cukup normal kok, asal berhati2 aja lah (meeting in public places etc etc). Apalagi di Eropa Utara orang jarang banget bertegur sapa di bar sama orang asing (aku jg kadang suka curiga klo ada yg tiba2 ngajak ngomong di bar) so pake Tinder jadi save time krn udah janjian dulu ketemuannya haha

    Disukai oleh 1 orang

    1. Aku juga selalu pake common sense lah. Biasanya ketemuan di tempat ngopi atau bar, pokoknya yang ramai dan tempat umum lah. Dan udah tau dulu kan mau ngomongin apa, jadi ga perlu takut basa basi salah sasaran… terus kalau ternyata mengecewakan, bilang aja gak cocok dan ga usah ketemuan lagi. Tega sih emang tapi daripada nyenengin orang lain terus tapi bikin kita sebel.

      Suka

  6. I am wondering why your friend sees it as a bad thing. Is it because woman should not proactively looking for a man (read: diam aja menunggu ditembak). Or because some apps in Indonesia are just full of scumbags. Heard some pretty nasty stuff from few friends who used Tinder in Jakarta.

    Anyway, the world is changing. People know each other from social media or dating site. It’s a normal thing. So tell your friend to get out of the cave and start seeing technology as a tool to expand network.

    Disukai oleh 1 orang

    1. I am wondering the same things too, Mbak. A bit confused about why my best friends always keep the distance whenever I talk to them about my recent date with someone I met online. Maybe because back when I was still in Indonesia, I was still not proactive in meeting guys, while here I can say I’m more confident in talking and meeting with men.

      Disukai oleh 1 orang

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